Why am I so intimidated by people? I don't even like most of them.

I love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I could watch it over and over and over again. And I have. One of my favorite lines is towards the beginning when Joel first sees Clem, well I guess technically he had already known her, but anyways, besides the point, he thinks to himself:

"Why do I always fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the lease bit of attention?"

I feel exactly the same. And you know, it really fucking sucks. It is so completely frustrating. It really sets you up for a lot of heartbreak. See, after 21 years of living with myself, I've come to know a lot about my personality. I am extremely idealistic. I'm rarely content. My environment dictates my mood in a far too extreme nature. For example, if I'm in a library with 70's Church Rectory decor/smell for more than an hour, I will remain depressed for a week.

I walk out my door everyday hoping to meet someone. Just any kind of person. Someone who sees me and is intrigued enough to be like hmm, that person looks interesting. She looks like she's thinking about something important. I wonder what that person is all about. Needless to say, that has never happened, and it isn't like I'm all that surprssed or anything.

The shit thing about it all, is that I know if and when that day ever actually does happen, I'll fuck it up. I'm shit with people...and I thought I had come to terms with it, accepted it, moved on. But, I can't pretend I don't care. I do. My lack of communication skills has ruined far too many potential relationships. And when I use the term "relationship," I mean of all kinds. Boyfriends, girl friends, family members, teachers; the list is endless.

If I am currently friends with you, then you probably fit into one of the two categories listed below:

1. You spent large amounts of time with me against your will.

examples: You were forced to be my roommate/you are my sibling or parent

2. I met you while I was around someone who I am already currently comfortable with; aka I met you while hanging out with Archana.

I don't mind if you don't like me. Sometimes, people are just not compatible so whatev. I get that. But when people don't like me for the person that I'm not, I can't help but completely hate myself for not being able to just get the fuck out of my head and be who I am. If there's one thing I never want to be, it's "that quite girl who sure is nice but fuck is she boring." I'm not that and if you knew the half of what goes on in my head I'd blow ya mind.